There is something that seems to dwell deep in the heart of most sissies, a battle between what is true and what is 'normal', a battle that is fought daily and is sometimes won and sometimes lost. I have witnessed the very pain some sissies go through as they wrestle with feelings both natural and alien and it makes me sad. Being a sissy is an amazing gift yet at times can feel like a horrible curse.

For those of us that cannot find a balance between our sissy self and our 'male' existence there is a yearning to be more feminine, yet a knowledge, an unwritten rule, that makes us stop and try to conform to the worlds view of what a man must be. For those who are transgendered a different set of problems arise, but for those sissies who are not, two separate beings emerge and fight for dominance.

The blur between reality and fantasy is just that - a blur, where each one crosses over into the other, like two colliding worlds in different dimensions. But sooner or later we decide a path, a path that we hope will bring happiness, bring salvation, however hard, however life changing that may be.

We cannot escape our true selves, cannot hide, only surrender. We are what we are.

I am a pansy, a child, a little girl trapped in a world that feels a hundred times bigger, that has a million eyes looking at me, silently saying 'we know, we know'. I want to escape, I want to be me.

I dream when I am asleep, I dream when I am awake, that I will one day live as a little girl, everyday, 24/7 and that I can break free the shackles of adulthood that torment me so. I am not transgenderd, I don't want to change sex, live as a woman, but I need to be a little girl, for that is what I am inside. I am an innocent child, slowly being corrupted by an a adult existence, forever tainted by a society ready to reject me for not conforming.

And for those who know the image of the man that stands before them I say this - look into my eyes, look deep into my eyes and you will see the truth, you will see a frightened 9 year old little girl who just wants to be loved.

Mirror mirror on the wall
Mend my heart, don't let me fall................