I don't remember ever expressing such things to my family or anyone else, but as a little boy, at least as early as 4 or 5 years old, I fantasized about being a girl. A lot of the time I imagined myself in perilous situations, tied up and helpless as villainous figures hovered around me, prepared to do terrible things to me. I specifically remember one night when I think I would have been 4, riding in the car with my parents in the front and me lying down across the back seat. I put my feet together at the ankles, and put my hands together at my wrists behind my back, pretending to be bound and imagining myself to be a girl.

Where did this come from? I don't really believe i was abused sexually as a child, but these weird fantasies were definitely connected to what I think were sexual themes long before i knew anything about sex. It's frustrating to me... I'm positive something happened to me to set this off, but my memory isn't helping.

Starting in the first grade, when i would come home from school I would be alone for a couple of hours before my parents got home from work. During that time, i remember making rudimentary attempts at crossdressing, like using a bathrobe as a dress, or wrapping a towel around my waist as a skirt. My hair wasn't very long, but I tried making pigtails with it. I'd take some kind of cord and wrap it around my wrists and pretend to be tied to my bed post. I don't think i did this stuff very often, but it continued off and on until I was 10 or so. About the time i started "liking" girls. Puberty redirected my desire for femininity, i guess.

As i got older, i still had twinges of a desire for... i don't know what. Some kind of feminine expression. But that always got supressed, beaten back to the dark corners of my mind. Occasionaly, a memory of those fantasies would pop up, and I'd marvel at it... it seemed so strange. I'd forgotten that was ever a part of me.

This is what occurred to me today --

My fantasies as Monica involve sex, but as Monica, I don't want to be the one receiving pleasure. I'm not concerned with having an orgasm in that role. I only want to please the other figures involved in the fantasy.

Monica is submissive and, for the most part, passive in these fantasies. I want to be used by others for their own gratification. But in a weird way, this is empowering for me. Monica is valued and desired for being exactly who she is. The sexual attention of others is a tribute in her eyes. Especially from men.

In the fantasy world, Monica is not bullied and despised by men for being a girly-boy, as she would be in the real world. Instead, she is wanted and loved. She has parents and admirers who don't just accept her, but desire her as she is, for being the girly-boy she wants to be.

*waves hello shyly*

i'm here as 'monica', the name my uncle gave me when berating me for being a 'sissy'.

i'm a full grown man... sigh... but there's a part of me stuck in childhood, trying to work things out in a fantasy life, things that went wrong when i was little.

as monica, i'm a little boy who is allowed and encouraged to be effeminate, who has love and support and enjoys the attention he receives as a beautiful little girlie-boy.

it's all fantasy for me. so far, none of this extends into my lifestyle.

i've come here looking for people like me, or at least people who understand and might offer support.

*love all around to the people who've already contacted me*