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Entry Mood:
(Confused)
Published On: 04/02/2009 06:35 PM
I've finally started feeling better about myself this week. Though I still don't know who God created me to be. My friend/mentor from church has been helping me sort some things out like old memories and such but I still have very little clue what my purpose is.
My biggest concern is about Gender Transitioning; to me it seems like giving up. Which is why I think about it the most strongly when I feel "trapped" in my life with no way to escape. In a perfect World I'd know who I am and be able to take pride in that without feeling the need for Surgery or Hormone Replacement Therapy. I know this World is far from perfect but in my thinking thats no reason to give up on trying to make it better. Giving up only makes things worse in my experience.
My conversations with my therapist have ceased to be about Gender issues and we're back to working on Self-Esteem exercises. Mainly because I know what I want the truth to be, but I lack the power to carry it out. I want to be so "In Tune" with God that he tells me things, I say them, and it happens in that moment. Like the way things worked for Moses, Elijah, and Jesus' disciples.
After not dressing in my Baby Girl things for a couple weeks I've started again. This lead to some sense of guilt on my part mainly because it caused me to miss church last Sunday. I like my church -- its one of the few solid anchors in my choatic life. I don't fully understand how I went without dressing for so long, or why I've relapsed. Like most things about me it seems very random.
I've been avoiding Sissy Kiss for most of the past month; it seems to fuel and support my bad habits. Other than reading the newest chapter of "Molly" from an update email I recieved when it came out I've steered clear of the my personal addiction to SK stories. Wannabe_Baby's story has been the toughest to stay away from, mainly because I have been a faithful reader for so long. But whenever the urge to read his newest chapter hits me I remember the nightmares I got from his 4 hour Sunday Detention torture session and how betrayed I felt when I read it. The only way I may change my mind is if someone I deeply trust sends me an "All Clear" message about the newest parts. Its my good nature to hope for the best, which makes the pain exponentially harder to handle when the worse happens to the characters that I've grown attached to. That horrid chapter planted the fear in me that the Protagonists (heroes) exist only to be victims of the Antagonists (villians) -- which to me is not quality storytelling.
Wow this has gotten pretty long. It started as a Reply to a Personal Message but has gotten big enough to justify a blog post for the General issues.
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I know how you feel, Fairybelle. So many of us have those same feeling as you about our identity and who we are and it can sometimes be a struggle to get by. Although this probably isn't the most helpful advice you'll ever hear, just know that you're not alone. You can hold your head up high and say "I am who I am" because there's so many of us in the same boat. Who you are is important but, ironically, it also doesn't matter too much as long as you like yourself and you're proud of who you are.
And I must say, it's nice to read all your feelings on Grace University. I'm glad that it's all out in the open, so now I understand properly, better than I did. I'm thinking a lot more about certain bits and pieces of the story now because, coincidentally, I've just gone through a major feeling of being betrayed and, honestly, seriously depressed over something that happened to characters I became attached to in a different story. After going through that, I wouldn't want to wish it on someone else and I'm taken aback that I did. I'm thinking about it more.
I think you already understand where I was coming from on those segments but, just in case, it really wasn't my intention to just make the protagonists seem like victims for the antagonists. For what it's worth, I know how Ben and Marie feel to you. And, since I haven't said it yet, I'm sorry for how terrible it all seemed. I'm so sorry that it was so hard for you.