 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
Entry Mood:
(Depressed)
Published On: 02/13/2009 01:47 PM
I have Bipolar Disorder and Gender Identity Disorder on top of it, so you can probably imagine how hard it is for me to pretend to be a normal hard-working member of society. I hate being a man. The conflict tears me up inside. I can never live up to the expectations my Male side wants from me. My heart is broken like a vase, shattered into pieces.
I've been to the hospital for my condition, but my Male side finds its way out to prevent me from being weak and allowing myself to be treated. I long for heaven, a place where I can be the one God made me to be. Instead of being trapped in this corrupted body. What was God thinking when he made me? What purpose could someone as twisted as me possibly serve? Only in the imaginary realm of cyberspace can I let my inner self run free. My pure Angelic self, my Girl side. The two sides are in conflict. Battling for my very life. The Male side believes that I deserve to die because I can't live up to his standards. The Girl forgives my weaknesses and lets me be myself. I wish I could purge myself of my Male self entirely. He's brought me nothing but trouble since he first materialized to fight my girlish tendencies long ago in first grade.
I wish I could live, but the pain is getting to be too much. My Maiden's heart can't function under so many layers of Testosterone damage - this body and its beastly layer of hair. I hate it. Is death the only way I can escape from it?
 Post Comment |
take it easy first, if you feel that pastionatewh at you need to do is remove allyour hair.
What i would also do is see your Dr. and tell he or she what you trulluy feel and tell
them you wont too start female hormons treatment. I started hormon treastments about 8months ago.
and it truely was the best thing for me to do.
Hugses & Kisses:
Love always Dalia
Thanks for the advice Dalia. I'm likely going to be checked into the hospital again on tuesday after my Therapy. I'll have to bring up my desire to take female hormones. Back when I had a job I tried taking herbal estrogen and I felt great. Right now my money is so tight that going completely smooth is almost impossible, but I'll try and commit the time on monday when my Dad isn't around. I have an electric shaver for emergencies like this. I just hope I'm not cripplingly depressed like I have been the past couple days. I get very frustrated and impatient doing normal shaving, I normally use Veet or Nair for hair removal because its quicker and I tend to get better results. But I guess this time I have to settle for the old fashioned method.
Oh Fairybelle, I'm so sorry you're feeling so down! I've only just met you, but I know already that there's part of you that is beautiful and happy and perfect -- you would probably call it your girl side, but I believe it's the real you! Does that mean the real you is a girl? Could be! And yes, that side of you comes out in cyberspace, but I think it would also come out in person if you were friends with the right people who supported you and let you be who you really are!
And who you really are has nothing to do with what you wear or how your hair is or how your voice sounds or how much hair you have -- it's all about your heart, the things you like, the people you love, the way you decorate your personal space inside. If you have a special room inside you, and you can decorate it any way you want, and you choose to make it all soft pinks and white lace with fluffy white teddy bears on the four-poster bed with its soft pink comforter and white lacy curtains ... well that's me decorating my imaginary picture of your room, but I think you see what I mean. If something like that is how you would surround yourself if you only could, then that is the real you, not the way your life forces you to be.
But you can change your life. I'm sure you know all about what I'm saying; I'm just trying to help, so if I say something you already know, please forgive me and skip to the next thing. But you can change who you associate with. You can change where you live. You can redecorate where you live. You can redecorate yourself, with different clothes or different hair or less body hair. It might take work sometimes. But it's worth it, because it's making you feel more like the real you. If it doesn't make you feel more like the real you, don't do it. If it does, do!
They call it dysphoria because it's the opposite of euphoria -- a bad feeling rather than a good feeling. And they call it gender dysphoria because it has to do with gender, the whole bundle of expectations society dumps on somebody about how they should look and act based solely on whether they were born male or female. It's stupid and unfair. But you can take steps toward euphoria, and even the smallest steps add up. One step a day turns into a thousand steps after a thousand days.
And that's all I wish for you -- that you will someday feel pure euphoria with who you are and who you have become. I'm here for you if you need support, and so are many others. You are beautiful already, but if you are unhappy with how you look on the outside or the life that surrounds you, it is perfectly fine to change things until you're happy. You deserve to be happy.