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Entry Mood:
(Energetic)Published On: 07/03/2009 01:53 AM
I'm not sure if I've shared before that I have Bipolar Disorder. Well recently I discovered that my Disability application has been approved! And praise Jesus that I didn't need to hire a lawyer to file an appeal! What all this means is that I'll have more income at my disposal, nearly as much as I was making washing dishes full-time. My mind has been going wild with ideas about all those things I couldn't afford because of being out of work for over 2 years now. But I've learned my lessons about spending so I plan to be very very careful with what I'm going to be getting and resist the urge to go on a shopping spree and end up poor and depressed again.
But as long as I only get one or two things a month I should be okay and be able to save up for a modest car in a few months. I've started fantasizing about going to another Renaissance meeting now that I'll have the resources soon to get the smooth, dainty, traditional look that I prefer. After some makeup experiments I think I found a look I can be satisfied with. I've come to terms with the fact that I'll never be as adorable as I wish I could be but I can still give some credit to the softer aspects of my personality. Who knows? Maybe if it goes well I'll be brave enough to take a picture of myself this summer?
Entry Mood:
(Confused)Published On: 04/02/2009 06:35 PM
I've finally started feeling better about myself this week. Though I still don't know who God created me to be. My friend/mentor from church has been helping me sort some things out like old memories and such but I still have very little clue what my purpose is.
My biggest concern is about Gender Transitioning; to me it seems like giving up. Which is why I think about it the most strongly when I feel "trapped" in my life with no way to escape. In a perfect World I'd know who I am and be able to take pride in that without feeling the need for Surgery or Hormone Replacement Therapy. I know this World is far from perfect but in my thinking thats no reason to give up on trying to make it better. Giving up only makes things worse in my experience.
My conversations with my therapist have ceased to be about Gender issues and we're back to working on Self-Esteem exercises. Mainly because I know what I want the truth to be, but I lack the power to carry it out. I want to be so "In Tune" with God that he tells me things, I say them, and it happens in that moment. Like the way things worked for Moses, Elijah, and Jesus' disciples.
After not dressing in my Baby Girl things for a couple weeks I've started again. This lead to some sense of guilt on my part mainly because it caused me to miss church last Sunday. I like my church -- its one of the few solid anchors in my choatic life. I don't fully understand how I went without dressing for so long, or why I've relapsed. Like most things about me it seems very random.
I've been avoiding Sissy Kiss for most of the past month; it seems to fuel and support my bad habits. Other than reading the newest chapter of "Molly" from an update email I recieved when it came out I've steered clear of the my personal addiction to SK stories. Wannabe_Baby's story has been the toughest to stay away from, mainly because I have been a faithful reader for so long. But whenever the urge to read his newest chapter hits me I remember the nightmares I got from his 4 hour Sunday Detention torture session and how betrayed I felt when I read it. The only way I may change my mind is if someone I deeply trust sends me an "All Clear" message about the newest parts. Its my good nature to hope for the best, which makes the pain exponentially harder to handle when the worse happens to the characters that I've grown attached to. That horrid chapter planted the fear in me that the Protagonists (heroes) exist only to be victims of the Antagonists (villians) -- which to me is not quality storytelling.
Wow this has gotten pretty long. It started as a Reply to a Personal Message but has gotten big enough to justify a blog post for the General issues.
Entry Mood:
(Teary)Published On: 03/14/2009 01:44 PM
Why is it that so many things that should be encouraging end up making me feel hopeless instead?
I seem to only write these when I've feeling down. For that I've very sorry. I attended my first TG support group last night. The name of it is Renaissance. They meet at the Vision of Hope church in Mountville, PA which is in Lancaster County. My Mom was kind enough to give me a ride there given that its a little over 20 minutes away from where I live.
I entered with the jitters and shyness that always overwhelm me when I go someplace unfamiliar. I was "playing it safe" by being in my normal boy clothes; Black jeans, black tee, and a hooded sheatshirt because it was cold outside and because I wanted to hide the hair on my arms. I'm still getting panic attacks in the shower which makes it impossible to do anything as intensive as hair removal. My initial impression of the group was underwhleming at best. There were three guys in normal clothes and one "skinny guy in a dress" type. They were nice to me and introduced themselves using their prefered names. I used my real name "Steve" the first time I was asked my name but as I relaxed I used "Belle" afterwards.
Then Elizabeth came in. She was a vision as everything I wish I could be. Her beauty was just like what one expects from a girl in her 20s, only my "God's Eye" could see that she wasn't a "born" girl. Her clothing was a feminine blouse with a V-neck vest overtop and girl's jeans with a word I don't remember Bedazzled across the bottom. The only makeup that I noticed was her glossy lipstick and painted nails. I didn't notice her shoes until later and they were gorgeous as well.
From what I was told there are normally about 20 people who come but this group was smaller because of a conference somewhere. I'm glad it was a small group because I never would have felt as welcome if the room had been full. The meeting itself wasn't like a normal one either because of some organizational business that needed taken care of. The president was stepping down for personal and health reasons. That brings me to the new president who is the "Old man in a Wig and Dress" type. He was kind enough to everyone but I have trouble thinking of someone like that with female pronouns, but I did my best to use them anyway because they were polite enough to call me Belle even though I don't deserve it.
I told them about my fear of "coming out of the closet". Which is because I don't want to be a man in a dress, I want to be attractive, or at least pretty. Like Elizabeth. The new president was a chatterbox and wouldn't stop talking about "her" good experiences going out and shopping at different places. When it was all over I left with a desire to come back and do it right next time.
I had mixed feelings on the ride home. Mainly could I ever look even half as good as Elizabeth did. Once in the solitude of my Dad's house I broke down into tears. I've been crying often since Wednesday, but that night was the worst. "What am I supposed to do now!" I prayed. I've seen success and my doubts about myself were back in full force. "Jesus please make me a Girl." I repeated over and over like I have in almost all my prayers the past few years. "Lord please make me your daughter. I love you, please help me. I want to be your Girl. Please make me yours." I believe with God all things are possible and I hope that someday I can report that this prayer has been answered.
God has been silencing the Devil's lies and breaking the hold of the Dragon's power over me. The Dragon spirit that bonded with me at childhood so that I could escape the pain of not being man enough and deny the Innocent Girl I am inside. That Renaissance meeting was the first time I had ever used a girl's name for myself in person. Only God can change a person as much as he has changed me. I feel incredibly selfish asking him for more. The Devil wants me dead. I can feel it with every breath of the Dragon that still haunts me. I need to be transformed into a new creation to completely remove the Dragon from my midst. He has a claim on this body as long as its still so obviously male. I can't live like this! Being forever torn between opposing realities. Having no option but to live a life that I hate. I'm only free to be myself when I'm free from my "male" identity. Like when I'm chatting online as Fairybelle or playing one of my World of Warcraft girls.
My finances make any kind of feminization impossible on my own. Being on food stamps and $100 dollars cash assistance is just not enough to build a wardrobe, do hair removal, and experiment with makeup. In real life I just don't have the confidence that my online girl self can have. I have no idea what to do. I can't imagine working being torn and crushed as I am now. I'm applying for disability but that is alot of work for me too.
Maybe its my Bipolar disorder that makes me think in terms of ultimatums. If I can't be pretty, there's no point even trying to dress up. I'd rather die than be stuck as a man. I seem to want to die if anything less than what I hope for happens.
Published On: 03/02/2009 09:32 AM
Thanks for your kind words I really feel like I've found a home here at Sissykiss. When I wrote my previous Blog entry I was so bored and hopeless that I didn't know what to do. At the time World of Warcraft had ceased to be the pleasant escape from Life that it had been the past couple years, and I was instead feeling guilty that I couldn't get to the max level to do dungeons with my friends there. On top of that the Dragon spirit (demon) that I've come to depend on to pretend to be a boy constantly torments me for not living up to its expectations.
I'm a christian and praying a couple of hours the monday after making my last post helped make Suicide no longer an option.
After a 2 week break from World of Warcraft I'm playing again and its mostly doing its job of keeping my mind off my Dead End Life. I missed my WoW friends and its been great to see them again. I think sometime I'll try playing WoW on my desktop with the Sissykiss chat room open on my laptop so I can stay in touch with everyone at the same time. Multitasking is one of the big advantages of my chaotic brain, the whirlwind in my mind keeps all the information somewhat sorted out in its rotation.
Writers block really stinks. I still can't think of what to have Daniel and Megyn do outside between breakfast and lunch. Because after lunch is when the story gets moving to where I want the chapter to go. But right now the chapter has a hole in it and my readers deserve better.
Entry Mood:
(Depressed)Published On: 02/13/2009 01:47 PM
I have Bipolar Disorder and Gender Identity Disorder on top of it, so you can probably imagine how hard it is for me to pretend to be a normal hard-working member of society. I hate being a man. The conflict tears me up inside. I can never live up to the expectations my Male side wants from me. My heart is broken like a vase, shattered into pieces.
I've been to the hospital for my condition, but my Male side finds its way out to prevent me from being weak and allowing myself to be treated. I long for heaven, a place where I can be the one God made me to be. Instead of being trapped in this corrupted body. What was God thinking when he made me? What purpose could someone as twisted as me possibly serve? Only in the imaginary realm of cyberspace can I let my inner self run free. My pure Angelic self, my Girl side. The two sides are in conflict. Battling for my very life. The Male side believes that I deserve to die because I can't live up to his standards. The Girl forgives my weaknesses and lets me be myself. I wish I could purge myself of my Male self entirely. He's brought me nothing but trouble since he first materialized to fight my girlish tendencies long ago in first grade.
I wish I could live, but the pain is getting to be too much. My Maiden's heart can't function under so many layers of Testosterone damage - this body and its beastly layer of hair. I hate it. Is death the only way I can escape from it?
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