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Blog Tag Cloud Popular Topics of my Blog | Recent Blog Entries Entry Title: Feeling the mood shift... Entry Category: Default Category Entry Mood:  (Confused)Published On: 05/02/2009 03:43 AM well for the first tim i can really notice the shift in moods and personalities that my psychiatrist said i have. Its called RCBP Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder which has also been confused with mutliple personality syndrome. Fun huh? n-n Basically what happens is i have a messed up mood switch :3 I start out randomly but usually around every 6 months as the happiest person in the world n-n Basically like i am right now :DAbsolutely nothing can go wrong and phase me :3 omg look at how many smilies i" make XD :P But anyways it starts out good and dwindels down to where im more of umm o-o i shouldnt say "ME" but thats what me, i mean I would have said yesterday o.o Basically im kind of a complete meany to everyone. Im more of the boy Emathy than the Girl Emathy. I think its cause i keep trying to give myself hope like, YOU CAN DO IT! n-n YOU CAN BECOME A GIRL! YOU CNA BE YOU! and then as i guess sink into reality and depression I start trying to console myself like "its ok being a boy isnt so bad" and "i guess ill never be a girl" and "**** it, im ******* weird for wanting to be a girl . The problem is wanting to be a girl so ill just get rid of it and be a guy and stop being such a ******." Unfortunately I WONT LET MYSELF FALL INTO THE ABYS OF BEING STUCK AS A BOY! Not that I would totally be cool with never having to have dealt ith this before, but like subliminally, underneath everything i truly can say i want to be a girl and i dont know why, i dont know why it drives me and nags at me constantly, why its such a big deal. But its getting really hard living like this n-n; I dont really know how many more swings i can go through before i do something bad /,_, I dont have the money to afford such things. I suppose i could afford pills but im so afraid if they wouldnt work or if i turned out as just some ugly **** up ... I just want to be me so badly. Its like i used to be me and somewhere i derailed and created this massive distortion of myself and yet the old me keeps trying to call out to remind me who i really am. I dont know if anyone will read this, but i feel so much better writing about it n-n Entry Title: What is going on? Entry Category: Default Category Entry Mood:  (Cool)Published On: 03/23/2009 02:54 PM i guess im a pretty mixed up person. Ive llways been that way. Now i found out i have rapid cycling Bipolar disorder. Fun, but i admit i kinda saw that one coming. I allways thought of disorders like this as **** people make up so they have an excuse to be themselves cause theyre too weak to just be like "hey this is me, deal with it." And as i will ALLWAYS see ADD as a bulshit disorder which isnt a disorder, its just someone who gets bored easily, i do see bipolar as an actual disored. Its kind of been half and half with me. Like when this one girl finally got adoctors not that she had bipolar disorder she immediately started flipping out on people all the time so you know shes a little attention whore. But i mean i guess i have it but i try to keep the personalities of mine nice and blended so no one notices. Other than that im pretty good with myself by now. I think ive got a real hold on who i am inside, which is something most people never realy look into i guess. Stillthinking heavily on becoming n actor. I dont know how that will ever start but oh well, if that doesnt work i can at least be a writer. Then maybe i can pull an M. Night Shamalamadingdong and be in my own movie. Whatever, its time to stop dreaming and start doing. Entry Tags: This blog has no tags. | Recent Blog Comments 06/16/2009 01:06 PM Keep blogging hun and you will find the answers will present themselves. Should you find that they scare you, we are here to support you. I think that if you can find a place where you can live as your girl self and be accepted for it, you will not find yourself clinging to your old boy-mask which you have worn to help keep you safe. You will still have to deal with depression issues, but once you get to a point where you are not fighting yourself, I think you will find it easier to see a beam of light on a dark and stormy day. Surround yourself with magic as I have, this is a wonderful first step. Find objects of joy, especially unique objects if you can, and create a barrier around your room with them. It can be scary to have so much joy and love around you, trust me, I know. But if you tender heart can stand it, I would suggest it. When you are super, ultra, mega happy, I would suggest accenting your room with some darker effects, but keep most of the joy intact. Paint a canvas and then let yourself fall into it. -OP From Entry: Feeling the mood shift... Blogroll This user has not added any blog links to his blog roll |
