I'm Back and Feeling Better

[Baby Lily]

Ok, so there I was all depressed, lil ms. frown 24/7 wallowing all day and all around feeling hopeless. I became inactive for a bit, and then a series pretty bad karma-like things happened. First my monitor died, then my computer died, and that computer had all my passwords remembered on it. Then my Xbox360 died which I finally got around to requesting repairs for. I'm using a slow replacement salvaged from my grandparent's who live with me. I was in pain, I hated my outside, I hated being constantly reminded of who I'm not. I even started having mild suicidal thoughts.

Then, one day, it finally happened. Finally, a time comes when I'm not overly depressed 24/7. A miracle, it's the only way I can describe it. A series of good karma hits me. It's like a force of good karma the size of the entire US Military hits me. One long period in my life I wonder why I was chosen for all the bad karma, and the next I'm saying life is too generous. A series of good events happen. Being told that my senior year would be a blast went from being just pep talk to actual truth.

My mom now buys me girl cut and V neck shirts along with designer jeans every weekend. She's now understanding and supporting me more than she has been. It's like my mom had a nice tall glass of "Wise-up-and-understand-more" and it kicked in instantly. And she lets me wear them to school. I can't believe what was happening. I'm no longer the depressed mess I used to be for those long 2 years. And still no skirts or dresses yet, but I hope to be able to do that by graduation day. I still get envious and depressed when I see girls in pretty enough clothes, but what my mom does for me now works like some kind of supercharged morphine for my pain. If things continue to progress like this, I should be on hormones by my first day of college.

Next, maybe sometime in the middle of this month me and my mom are gonna shop for a new computer with a $600 budget and she can put in an extra $20-30 if she needs to. The best part is I get to choose all the details. I may get a Mac OS X Snow Leopard desktop dual booting with Linux Kubuntu or Fedora. Things are really looking up. If things continue to progress this way, I can just tell I have happy future ahead of me.

My gf now becomes my fiance, not officially, but planning to make it official sometime in the year. My hope is for both of us to get out of GA for college and marry as a lesbian couple. Even if we have to stay in GA for college, I only need 1-2 yrs for what I want to do. Then we plan to go back to New England and settle in my birth state, Massachusetts. I eventually want us to move outside the country, maybe to Kiruna, a nice little city in the northern tip of Sweden. Or Tokyo, Florence, or Berlin would be nice. We both have some very big plans and I hope they work out.

It feels great to post something happy here.

[BabyLuke]

congrats :)

[Princess_Tiffany]

I'm happy for you! The world can be such a depressing place at times that it is nice to have someone who understands you for who you are. It sounds like you have a very understanding mother and girlfriend in that regard! Let us know how your plans go.

[OopsiePanty]

There are a lot of things I would like to say, but I would like to say the most important one since I have so much posting to catch up on:

Do not throw out your old computer. Chances are you can recover all the files off the HD from it by mounting it in your new computer as a secondary drive or by mounting it in an external casing. If your old computer was a PC there is almost a 100% chance of recovering everything. I don't know enough about modern mac drive formatting to comment on it or to repair it so if you were living in the Mac world, I hope you can find a Mac person to help you there (I only work on macs system 6 or older). Actually my Mac is a IIci with about every upgrade you could shove into it so you can't say I an down on Macs (hahaha like when people point out their one minority friend). I just lost all faith in them after the system 7 change. System 8 was even more of a nightmare and I just wanted nothing to do with them when DOS was working just fine on the PC with little need to be altered or upgraded (6.22). The old Macs even run unix, so they can run IE 5.5 to browse...It's too bad that sites like youtube will be soon upgrading so that they are hell for people on 1980's machines to view them. Even my P1 133mmx box which right now can run youtube at about 15 fps will be simply software upgraded to obsoleteness soon...at least for modern stuff.

So ummm to get back to my point...make sure you keep your old HD!

Oh and well now that I have gone on a rant I guess I better say something else...Yeah I am always checking out other girls clothing and reflecting on how much I would love to be able to wear such and such...but don't get too caught up in trying to be as perfect as them. You'll probably always be trying 10 times harder to get one step behind, but one should keep in mind to reflect on their own personal victories at least as much as their shortcommings. My parents still don't buy me girl clothes for christmas/birthdays and I have been living full time for 10 years, so I can tell you that having your own mom buying you clothing at all, which is gender appropriate is a major victory. So many non-genetic girls get kicked out without a resource in the world, and either have to scam or work themselves till they bleed to try to even be on a level playing field with other populations like the homeless. In the US for example it is estimated (since the statistics are hard to collect) that 75-85% of transgender people are unemployed and unable to find employment because of their being trans. Yet the government having this study in their hands is not enough for them to consider it a handicap in the workplace and in getting employment or housing.

So for everytime your mom messes up, at least know that she must love you a lot to be making the changes she is in her life to allow the changes you need in your own.

*hugs*